I am learning abnormal psychology first hand.
A hands on education, not even available at the most prestigious psychology programs in the world. From who? From my enemy, and your enemy. The Shaitan.
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He said, “My son, don’t tell your dream to your brothers, then they will plot and plan against you. (Why?) Indeed, Shaitan is an evil enemy to humans.
In the surah dedicated to the discussion of self esteem issues, the root cause of all self esteem problems is in fact the devil. The devil who, used the environment and our life circumstances to create a false impression of who we were. And he took advantage of us when we were young, naive, and unaware.
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And in the past, you were completely unaware (of what and why happened to you).
I have had stress and and anxiety issues for many years. I have had self esteem issues since I was a child. But I have never felt so utterly strange, bizarre, and abnormal like I have been feeling off and on these days, dealing with the shaitan influence. There is no comparison, there is no words to describe how awful, bizarre, and abnormal it feels with this shaitanic influence. I have learned and realized first hand through this experience, that the devil, when he comes inside, becomes the DSM. He becomes the playbook of abnormal, severe, psychological disorders. And it’s not pretty.
It’s hard to explain and for others not experiencing to realize this or make a distinction, but since I have been experiencing it, it has been crystal clear, like night and day, between the two issues. And there have been times I have lost my mind. ???? ???? ??????? ? ???????
The last 3 days, a strange and bizarre phenomenon (amongst many other indescribable strange emotional phenomenon) occurred while at the gym.
I was working out on the stair stepper machine at my gym. And then I was feeling my total focus look at every single man made item, that wasn’t naturally occurring. And then there was a evil idea attached with it. “This isn’t from the blessings of Allah”.
Okay, a silly idea, right? But how I was experiencing it, was more than awful. It was filling my mind and heart, and my focus was unable to be turned away from it. It was bothering me, and I didn’t want to think about it. But whereever I looked, there was a “manmade object.” And I just wanted to avoid and avoid, and take my mind off, and distract myself, but it wasn’t leaving me and bothering me more and more and more. And I was feeling insane.
Day 2, it happened again. I was feeling much more anxious when facing the gym, fearful of this evil idea. But it was there. And I spent the entire time trying to distract my mind by blocking it out with zhikr. But I felt my emotions become more and more anxious, and more and more fearful. To the point of me feeling intense amounts of panic, and I felt panic attacks as I was praying maghrib, with absolutely zilch khushu.
And this day, yesterday, I was so exhausted and just feeling completely overburdened by having to always get stressed out and do zhikr to the point of completely feeling burdened by doing it. And I felt into a deep deep severe abyss of despair, hatred, and misery feeling this test is too much for me, and that this is too much to ask, to constantly keep fighting with this zhikr. It was just crazy amounts of stress and pressure to the point of collapse. It was one of the most awful experiences. I felt more abnormal then ever before. And if you ever experience this shaitan influence, you would realize what abnormal means.
I talked to my Raaqi, and told him about it, and he said to just be patient, and just let it be. And it comes and goes, and so just let it come and go. And not to overburden yourself with zhikr. And I learned a lesson from that experience.
Today, I was in recovery mode, deciding that I never want to overburden myself with zhikr again. I will do my zhikr and quran readings on a consistent basis at the set times, to continue to deal with the shaitanic influence, but I will not go above and beyond, to where I feel so much takleef like I have with doing zhikr. My god my god, may Allah protect me from the misery pit that I fell into yesterday, where you feel nothing but leaving the religion, and feeling nothing but the utmost feelings of hatred and unhappiness. ???? ?????
Then day 3, as I adopted this new approach, which is in the line of anxiety recovery in general, I hit the gym for my ‘stair step workout.” And I was feeling high amounts of anxiety feeling like I was going to face it again. But I just decided to be. Let it come. But then I started reflecting on the root cause of my fears. Why was my anxiety so high? Why was I so fearful of these ideas coming in? Just letting myself and emotions be, without judgement.
And I realized a breakthrough. Why I was worried about it, was because not only I didn’t want it, but deeper down, that I was no good if I had such ideas. That I am unacceptable for having such terrible ideas. It would be another indication of my worthlessness. And the sadness became prominent from this. Comparing to other people, like shiukh and ulama, and other people with high iman. they wouldn’t get these evil ideas, so my conclusion is that I’m not good because I do have such evil ideas coming inside me.
I haven’t tested this for every idea that shaitan throws at me, but I think I’m getting somewhere with this.
I look forward to the day, all when I am deep in the master’s and p.h.d. programs for psychology, flipping through the DSM, and seeing in virtually every psychological disorder influences of shaitan in one way or another.