“Aww man. I don’t believe still.”

What could be a bigger stress for a muslim than to believe that they don’t believe?  I mean belief is the number one most important thing in a muslims life.  It separates the good from the bad, the pure from the filthy, the happy from the wretched.   Believing and Disbelieving is the focal point of the Quran, and believers get paradise for eternity, whereas disbelievers get hellfire for an eternity.

Looking to myself, this issue plagues me very frequently.  Since I developed anxiety disorder, I have been struggling with my confidence that I’m a believer.  Ironically, I never had this issue when I was not full blown anxious.  But it truly is an agonizing idea that will keep you anxious, to believe that you don’t really believe.

As is in the I feel like a kafir, I mentioned that the primary symptom of anxiety that creates the feeling and illusion that you dont really believe is depersonalization, where this sensation that you are disconnected from yourself and what you believe.  You may even feel confused as if you are really the person who you have been your whole life.  You just don’t feel like you’re you for some reason.  And naturally, (or unnaturally for the non depersonalized person) you feel like you don’t really believe any more, as if anxiety has stripped away everything that you used to feel comfortable in believing.

Another issue is, that there is a black and white phenomenon going on, where it’s either this or that.  There is no concept of being in the middle, with shades of grey, and levels and ranks.  Only This or That.  No third option.  This I believe is also a factor in our personal perceptions as to why we feel like we don’t believe.  Whereas there are more than 70 branches of iman, according to a hadith:

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Iman has over seventy branches – or over sixty branches – the uppermost of which is the declaration: ‘La Ilaha Illa Allah; and the least of which is removing a harmful object from the road.

We feel that one day we are a true believer, and the next we are a complete doubter and a kafir.  We need to realize that iman is also actions, as according to this hadith.  The fact that we pray 5 times a day is a clear indication that we have iman.  And any other actions we do for the sake of Allah is proof that we have iman.  Of course Shaitan can come to us and say, “you don’t do anything for Allah,” but there is no consideration or attention paid to our enemy, who wants us to become disbelievers.

This morning, when I was actively trying to believe that Allah is my Wali, Caretaker and Helper, I wasn’t feeling that complete submission of my heart to that fact.  And because of this I was getting frustrated with myself that my heart simply cannot open up to the ayat of Allah, where He says:

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There is absolutely no Wali or Helper for you besides Him, not even the least bit. 32

So because I can’t open my heart fully to this ayah, and believe Allah is my friend and protector, that means I’m a disbeliever.  And then believing in that gives me a lot of despair and discouragement, then when I read the ayat of punishment for the disbelievers it becomes agonizing to read, because you feel that Allah is talking about you.  Then you want to close the Quran and you don’t feel like getting closer to Allah, and the cycle of negativity and evil thinking of Allah initiates.

So the challenge for today is: Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you are a disbeliever, try your best to believe you believe.  Shaitan has come many a time to me saying I’m a disbeliever, and I know very well where that will take me, if I buy into it and let myself despair and become negative.

Comments below ladies and gentlemen!