I have so much going for me. I have knowledge. I’m on the brink of landing a well paying job, with all the learning opportunities I’m pursuing. I have amazing resources available here in the DFW area for my professional career. I’m confident in my abilities to succeed. I have a great family, very loving and supportive wife, kids and parents. I have the opportunity to explore and learn.
Yet I’m miserable and suffering with depression. I just don’t feel good. I feel terrible. Each and every day. My spirituality is a thing of the past. I used to experience and feel a sense of spirituality when I prayed and learned Islamic knowledge. Now that stuff is taken from me, and it’s been years since I’ve ever experienced those feelings of bliss, in prayer.
قد أفلح المؤمنون الذين هم في صلاتهم خاشعون
The believers are successful, those who feel awesome feelings in prayer.
I remember those awesome feelings as an artifact of the past. How silly it was of me to think they would last. I know they used to be there and they are real. But they have been taken away from me now i’m stuck in an ordeal. I so desperately need them back, to where I feel beautiful about my life and my faith and in Allah and the Quran, however I don’t get to taste that sweetness, it’s long gone. It’s like I’ve been torn, kicked out, and banned from ever experiencing that again, to be deprived evermore, is it due to despair and sin?
I’ve asked and asked Allah to give it back to me with no luck. I’ve tried taking medicine and talking to the psychiatristts and the psychologists. No luck. I’ve tried to deal with my religious issues with no luck. I’ve tried reading more quran and doing alot of ruqya with no luck. I guess its safe to say that I’m just out of luck. Or maybe I’m just destined to be a schmuck sitting on the sidelines with my
little rubber duck, or better yet, I’m just going to stay on the side of the pond and try to pluck the feathers of the real ducks in frustration with my spriitual state in the religion, aww shucks.
I joke and I jest, but when will my heart find that rest? Why don’t the words of Allah purify whats in my chest? When will I pass this test, the test of my religion and destruction of my soul and heart, corruption manifest? I sought and strove to be from amongst the best, but now I sit at home, simply looking for food and drink to ingest.
When I wake up to a start another day, I don’t look forward to fajr prayer or the next. rather, i look forward to my career, making money, and shopping for a nest a place to call my own, a home for me and my family. Getting established, then fitting right in with the rest.
I am blessed, lest, I’m depreived at the same time, Let the truth be manifest. I sit and try, to seek that knowledge of the religion, yet the inner self is reckless, out of control, lost itself, like the headless horseman, what a mess.