I’m scared. I’m feeling really hesitant. What I have experienced since last night.
I am on Round #2 of Quran Reading. I made it to Surah Kahf today.
Last night before Iftar, I was balling on Surah Yusuf. Surah Yusuf is a lethal weapon for self esteem problems. You will be hearing a lot from me about this surah later insha’Allah.
Anyways, I was so emotionally affected from the 1st two pages. I was emotionally completely drained from the sheer power of those words. I was too exhausted to pray tarawih and I crashed right after isha.
I prayed fajr feeling so hurt, feeling that I’m always being critized and I’m not having my emotional needs met by the Quran. That i don’t want to hear criticisms that sometimes are mentioned of wrongdoers, etc.
That led me to me to a severe emotional state, feeling extreme amounts of what is known as “???” (Asaf) Which is an mixture of extreme amounts of sadness and anger, that feels like it is stuck inside your heart. It is triggered by something that is linked to the past.
With the hurt from feeling critisims, my “Asaf” went back to my mom, and how she was a critical parent and perfectionist, and my self worth being derived from making her happy, but always feeling like I’m falling short. The emotions were disabling, and I just was sitting there, feeling and trying to release the pent up emotions:
?? ??? ??? ???
“My Asaf over my Mom”
I finally fell asleep. Waking up, still feeling funny feelings of sadness and despair, and I finished the surah Yusuf. Again, I had huge amounts of emotional release, tears pouring out on various parts of the surah. I was also feeling a lot of negative emotions insinuated by shaitan, where I was feeling like upset at other parts of the surah.
We had an appointment at the Sulaiman Al-Habib hospital today to circumcize our son. I got stuck in a terrible “rut” where I feel mentally utterly confused. These ruts happened to me a lot in the Winter Semester 2014, where I was severely plagued by the Jinn issue. This rut was when I was witnessing the procedure of the circumcision. It was very painful for the baby. I became mentally confused and paralyzed trying to think of how and why Allah would require such a painful procedure for all muslims to go through. Shaitan was confusing me as to how the Most Compassionate Loving Creator, would want everybody to go through with that. In the moment, I was completely confused. And I felt I had no logical faculties to even try to understand. It literally felt like my intellect was hijacked.
Then the devil through out another evil confusion about the ayah:
????? ???? ?? ???
My Compassion encompasses everything.
I was wracking my brain trying to understand how making people go through painful circumcisions is a encompassed in the Rahmah of Allah. Again, I was intellectually paralyzed and hijacked trying to find an answer. I just had to ignore it, and attribute it all to shaitan.
Then I experienced some of the terrible jinn symptoms of the dreaded Winter 2014. I felt sick, and completely laid out, drained of energy, where I just wanted to lie down and feeling no control of my faculties. I was just resting in the masjid, feeling unable to pray or do zhikr properly.
I came home went to my bedroom, lied down, and recited the Quran, as being the only way out. I read for about an hour and a half, and I was feeling pretty awful and empty reciting. I got stuck on more ayahs, not feeling moved at all, but instead feeling stressed and pressured, and feeling a contradiction with the Rahmah of Allah. Especially the ayah of:
????? ???????? ???? ??????? ???????? ????? ?????????? ??? ????????? ???????? ??????????? (
I couldn’t grasp my head around the idea that a Merciful Compassionate, Caring Creator would ever address me in that way. I was devastated I was feeling this way, and I was feeling dead reciting the Quran, and not feeling any better.
At this point I was losing hope, pulling my hair out as to why I can’t just accept the Rahmah of Allah, and not question and feel demotivated by the words. Feeling like these ruts would be my destruction of my religion.
Then the turning point. I went to pray tarawih. And guess what. I felt connected in the salah. I felt very good in the prayer, feeling that deep tranquility and khushu’ with Allah’s words. This was pretty consistent throughout the prayer.
I finished up, feeling good, but upset. How is it possible, that I can feel amazing and good, and then the next moment, feel demotivated and feel pushed away? the dichotomy I felt is too disturbing, and the lack of consistency and reliability scared me. For sure, I never want to get caught in those evil ruts, and to feel terrible reciting Quran, but it seems like it still happens, and this I believe is all the effects of the Jinn issue that was driving me crazy before. And I’m in the trenches battling it out with it.