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I’m not talking about bipolar depression. Could it be called split personality disorder, or disassociate identiy disorder? Well to the psychologist, possibly. 
But the reality is clear to those who experience it. It’s nothing other than a Shaitan Jinn, affecting the emotions, somehow having an effect on the mind, intellect, and heart’s emotions. It’s the strangest phenomenon. To feel like a different person, with a different way of coping, dealing, feeling, thinking, processing, then when you feel normal.
This morning, I had what I felt to be the end of days. Feeling nausea and inability to get up, feeling so stressed out from religion. Filled with strange ideas, and emotions, and inability to process information, feeling my mind paralyzed and unable to figure out “what else to do.” Feeling alternate ideas and imaginary scenarios and responding to it as if that’s the reality, only to snap out of it and realize that wasn’t a reality, that was some ficticious scenario that doesn’t exist. Like reading today surah nas, trying to lie down, feeling my mind and heart hijacked in some strange twilight like fashion, in and out of slumber and exhaustion, anxiety and confusion. One example was as I was reading the surah, I had a flash come in my mind that the time was 2:47 p.m., trying to indicate to me it was time to go pick my family up, but then I realized the trick, because it was still the morning time. Strange?
To be honest, when I’m feeling better, like I am now, this evening, I don’t like to write or talk about these feelings. This is because when you ruminate about them, it gets egged on. I write though to illustrate to myself and all of my friends and family here how the emotions and mental makeup changes like magic.
What’s the magic? Well many things, but the major thing is in my relationship with Quran. This morning, when I felt no outlet or inkling or energy to do any activity but just lie down and read Quran, I had a horrendous experience. Every ayat of kufr and punishment I was feeling this disdain and hatred for. I had these severe feelings that “it’s not fair for those disbelievers to be punished. It’s not just. They should be allowed to pick their own way of life and it shouldn’t be punishable.” I totally was not feeling able to separate myself from this emotion. And my quran reading was not making this feeling go away, it was only making me feel more pushed away and stressed out by these emotions.
That’s when I felt completely stuck and unsure about how to resolve this problem I have with the “justice of Allah.” Begging and making dua for realizing the justice of Allah.
Then going through the rest of the day, with zhuhr, and still feeling those same stuck feelings of sickness and wanting to lie down, not sure about what to do. Then getting myself to a restaurant to force feed myself some protein on my appetite less stomach, so I could muster up enough energy to exercise.
And as I met my family and came home, read quran, talked to family. And made it through maghrib.
Then at isha time, I prayed, and the imam was reciting similar ayat to what I read this morning, mentioning punishments and cursing those who reject the truth knowingly, and other similar themes.
But the amazingly strangest thing was, I actually was feeling khushu’, and khashiyah and feeling great from the hearing the ayat. Feeling a sense of serenity in the justice of Allah.
After I prayed, I sat there in peace, and bewilderment, and humbleness, thinking about how on earth did that happen? How was I able to experience pleasure from ayat with the same theme as what I was reading this morning? As if I was able to understand the justice just fine this time. And felt unable to earlier.
All I knew though was from how I felt this morning, until the afternoon, that going with the feelings concluding things about yourself and feeling and going off the bad ideas of Allah that were there by the shaitan, didn’t help my day off well, and made it so much worse. And that somehow as time passed by, and I just met with family and tried to ignore stuff, and address other stuff in a good way, then I just changed, and regained control, and the presence was subsided, and I felt more confident in my quran again, and hearing the ayat, feeling positive in it.
I am still solving this puzzle, as the days go by. And right now I see light, and hope, whereas this morning I saw nothing but darkness, and felt darkened to the point of no return. Strange how magical it is, in a literal sense.
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